On finding direction
A year ago I was sitting on a plane flying to the other side of the world. Frozen like an ice block, I was trying to resist the fact that I had just unexpectedly lost my job the day before and was on my way to spend two weeks with a stranger I’d met in Bali in a place I didn’t even know. I couldn't grasp how life could completely drift in such an unreasonably short amount of time, but at that moment, I had no choice but to surrender to the humble role as spectator of my life. I was merely watching, trying to keep my eyes wide open. What the hell?
I ended up in a town in the middle of nowhere, where waking up to watch the sunset was an actual activity, one of those that you write in your agenda and push any other promises. Where the only thing to brag about was the wave - something there for every living being to enjoy together. A place where you can experience the greatness of nature and, for a moment, forget that there’s anything you have to be. Is that paradise on earth?
Not for me. Where am I? Who am I? What am I supposed to do? What is my life about? Why am I here? I couldn’t see the beauty all around me cause I was just lost. I was spending everyday in the good company of my mind, throwing at me all the most cruel feelings of guilt, failure, and disappointment. I surely was a disappointment, and sitting on an empty beach in New Zealand wasn’t making me feel any less disappointing. Can you see the paradox too?
T drove me to a wild, untouched peninsula a few hours from town, keen to show me those breathtaking spots that New Zealand is well known for all around the world. He led me up a hill, and we sat down to admire the landscape - to enjoy the view. But how do you even enjoy the view? My mind: “This is so boring,” “There’s nothing to do,” “Are we just wasting time?” I couldn’t sit still; my mind was boiling. I was desperate to figure out how not to be a failure, how not to be a disappointment. And sitting on a hill, watching the sunset, wasn’t solving any of my problems.
Before flying to New Zealand, I was a fresh graduate living the city life biking around Copenhagen. I was feeling on top of the world. I had just been promoted to manager at the company I worked for, earning good money, surrounded by friends always full of energy and stories. I was on my way to finally feel that I made it, “yes, I made it!” But made it where, exactly?
My day would always start just in time for me to get ready and run to work. I'd bike every day with music blaring in my headphones, always pushing to make it on time—but somehow, I was always 5 minutes late. I’d spend the entire day at work trying to make sure no one would say I wasn’t doing a good job! I was genuinely trying my best to contribute to their success, but was I really in my element? Who knows! Well I can’t even say that cause I knew I was not. I would then find something to do after work, which is either other work or some fun drinking with friends. I would just always need something to keep me busy. And in all of the biking around I would always listen to people trying to address big contemporary dilemmas like “How can we be more productive?”, “How can we beat artifical intelligence?”.
There was no way I’d stop, cause when I stopped I couldn’t pretend anymore, I had to press pause to my life. There were just so many questions to ask, and so many answers to find in myself.
It’s so easy to just let the world swallow us. It’s so inevitable to get lost, when we absorb more than 100,000 words every day (this is legit, and btw Lord Of The Ring is 95,000 words). Every day there’s so much to keep up with, so much to do, so much to listen, so much to update. There’s just too much noise for us to look inside and ask ourselves questions. To figure ourselves out.
We are so interested in how to be more productive, why aren’t we interested in how to be more ourselves instead? We are so focused on achieving, but what about now, what about making every day worthy?
It’s hard to get out of the noise that permeates our society, but if we find our way out, just for a while, the direction is there to be found.
